Stories of Confederation

MARRIED. 

On Monday morning last, at Ottawa, C E., by the British Parliament, assisted by Canadian Rebels, and Annexationists and Home-born Traitors, in all her midsummer beauty, the young and fair Nova Scotia and “big brother’ Canada. Contrary to all the principles of Liberty, the young lady was forced into what her friends consider to be an unhappy union. She was beautiful and rich; her suitor was old, crabbed, and almost bankrupt, – constantly given to harboring persons obnoxious to Mrs. Brittania, and frequently breaking out into fits of rebellious rage.  

BORN. 

On Monday morning last, at 12 5, a.m., (premature) the Dominion of Canada – illegitimate. This prodigy is known as the infant monster Confederation, and is called by one of the fond parents, D’Arcy McGee, the “skeleton of an Empire.” – The flesh and sinews are supposed to have corroded in consequence of the infant several times falling into champagne and brandy during seasons of “exhaustive festivities.” The skeleton of the monster is fearfully long, but very slim and narrow, especially about the chest. It is feared it will not live long, as it is even now in a precarious state of health, and in danger of being devoured by some cannibalistic animals owned by Uncle Sam. The head – Nova Scotia – is the only part of the body that exhibits real signs of vitality; and strange to say, several eminent Doctors have given it as their opinion that the head must and will be separated from the remainder of the skeleton, in which case the former will grow and flourish into a healthy man, and prove a worthy descendant of Mrs. Brittania.  

DIED.  

At 12 o’clock, midnight, on Sunday, the 30th of June, John Bluenose, aged 118 years on the 21st day of that month. During a long and prosperous life, the deceased enjoyed much personal respect. His vast resources and means of accumulating wealth had unfortunately, during the last few years, attracted the envy of corrupt men in the Northern Hemisphere. His premature and untimely death, it is said, has been hastened by some of his own children – Doctor “Poison-Bag” and three members of the legal profession, who have for a short time been studying quackery, and for whom this fond parent had amply provided, had they only been content. The sudden demise of this old gentleman is lamented by a large majority of loyal friends. It is not the part of Christian mourners to dive into futurity, but the unfair death of their lamented friend, is matter of great doubt and uncertainty in regard to his future well-being. His remains have been conveyed to Canada for internment, whither also his vast wealth has been surreptitiously transferred by his supposed murderers, and will be followed to the grave by a few of his renegade children, accompanied by D’Arcy McGee and Monsieur Cartier, for whose heads a large sum of money has been offered by the old gentleman’s friends in England. We understand that a last will and testament had been many years ago drawn up by a professional friend in Britain, conveying his untold wealth and resources to his loyal children in Nova Scotia, and not dreaming that parricidal and rebellious hands should cut short the thread of life, had no time given him to ask their consent, though beseeching his assassins to afford him an opportunity to do so. If there are any creditors of the old gentleman (other than those mentioned), his mourning friends desire that their accounts, duly attested to, be sent in to Adams G Archibald, the Executor of the Estate, or to the President and Secretary of the United States, who will be prepared, five years after date, to discharge the same. – Non requiescat in pace.